9 Ways to Speak French Better

1. Be absolutely certain that you keep your lips and facial muscles pursed like you are about to play a French horn.

2. All "r" sounds must be thoroughly choked on for English speakers. If your native language is Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, or Russian then rolling your r's is cool.

3. If you know a big word in English, say the same word in French but put an EEK or AY sound in places a French person probably would. (Take conviviality for instance. In French it is, phonetically, convivialit[AY])

4. Incorporate the "Passe simple" into your oral vocabulary whenever possible so people think you are quoting literature.

5. Use the indicative where the subjunctive is usually needed. It will make you seem infallible and self-assured.

6. Say ALORS and DONC a lot. It makes people think you are about to be prophetic. Also, say "TIENS!" to the homeless. It is the only time they will look up. (The etiquette for the homeless in France is different than the U.S. Instead of openly accosting you, the homeless sit with a small 100ml cup with their heads hung in shame.)

7. Say "J'oublie" a lot. It means you used to know something but forgot it. If somebody offers to teach you say "J'etais un chat.", which means "I used to be a cat." (I promise it'll help, especially in crowded areas.)

8. If you are a Monty Python fan, be sure to replace every "ne pas" with "ni pas". The neither/nor construction may make you giddy, but you may as well take advantage of how often ne...pas is used.

9. And finally...you can't do double quote marks with your fingers. Most French novels use <<>> to show dialogue and some don't even do that. (In French, they are called les guillemets.) Next time, just pretend Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man are fighting.

Good Luck!